Some Of Tommy Cooper's Best Yet Untold

[Chorlton]

A man stopped me in the car the other day, he said "Can you give me a lift" I said "You're looking great, the World's your oyster, go for it!"

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A mate of mine plays the trumpet, I said "Can you play 'The Maple Leaf Forever'?" He said "No, I have to stop after two hours or my lips go numb."

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Two elephants fell over a cliff......Boom, Boom!

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

C.

[A-G]

Excellent.

I've pasted them into windows. It's cheaper than buying curtains

[Stealth]

Some classics. but don't think they are all Tommy Cooper. Think he was long gone before Eurostar and Batman Forever. Still very funny.

[lawandorder]

Some classics. but don't think they are all Tommy Cooper. Think he was long gone before Eurostar and Batman Forever. Still very funny.

I was cleaning the attic with my wife earlier, dirty, smelly, dusty but she's good with the kids.

[Chorlton]

Some classics. but don't think they are all Tommy Cooper. Think he was long gone before Eurostar and Batman Forever. Still very funny.

lol, "best yet untold" i.e jokes he would/could have told if he was still with us.

C.

[nikko]

I went up the loft & found a Stradivarius and a Picasso.

Unfortunately........

Stradavarius couldn't paint & Picasso made shocking fiddles.

My favourite TommyTale was when he thanked a taxi driver by giving him a tip. He pushed the screwed up note into the driver breast pocket saying, "'av a drink on me mate."

On later examination, the driver found it to be a screwed up teabag.

[gjp]

lol, "best yet untold" i.e jokes he would/could have told if he was still with us.

C.

lol you'd make a politician with statements like that